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Cadinals Apologize For Winning World Series

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Cadinals Apologize For Winning World Series

Postby StlSluggers » Fri Nov 03, 2006 1:14 pm

StlToday.com wrote:Cardinals apologize for winning World Series
From The Onion


11/02/2006

This story originally appeared Nov. 2 in the satirical online newspaper The Onion.

ST. LOUIS — Calling Friday night's victory on baseball's grandest stage "a terrible mistake," members of the St. Louis Cardinals issued a formal apology for making the playoffs, winning the World Series, and depriving baseball fans everywhere of a season featuring the kind of heartwarming, storybook ending to which they have grown accustomed in recent years.

"I'm still struggling to understand how this could have happened," said a sober Tony La Russa during a press conference following Game 5. "It seemed all but certain coming into this series that we were going to be a part of something truly special, that we would easily put the finishing touches on a magical season that inspired millions of fans around the country, but instead we somehow ended up winning."

"It's disappointing, to say the least," La Russa added. "We were rooting for the Detroit Tigers just like everyone else."

According to Cardinals players, they "tried absolutely everything" in their pursuit to earn the Tigers their first world championship since 1984, including eliminating the far more dangerous New York Mets in the NLCS, entering the series completely unrested after a grueling seven-game series, starting a rookie pitcher with five career wins in Game 1 in Detroit, and postponing Game 4 due to rain in the hopes that an off day would swing the momentum back in the Tigers' favor.

"I don't know what we could've done differently," second-baseman Ronnie Belliard said. "We gave the Tigers every opportunity to win ballgames, but when their pitchers keep making errors on simple ground balls, what are we supposed to do, pretend we forgot the rules and start running to third base?"

Desperate for a Tigers win in Game 2, the Cardinals chose to overlook the fact that starter Kenny Rogers was pitching with the aid of a foreign substance on his left hand.

"Of course we all knew it was pine tar, but it seemed like they were finally finding their rhythm… We certainly didn't want to shake their confidence, so we decided to just let it go," La Russa said. "Frankly, if the umpires didn't bring it up, we probably would've let him pitch with it the whole game."

After the final out of the World Series was recorded, the stunned Cardinals retreated to their dugout and watched with disappointed, glazed-over expressions as the Detroit Tigers—the feel-good team of the season whom everyone expected to win it all—packed up their equipment in the dugout across the diamond.

According to Albert Pujols, some teammates took the World Series victory harder than others.

"For a lot of young guys like [Anthony] Reyes and [Yadier] Molina, this was their first chance to see an exciting, inspirational, and truly deserving team win a championship," Pujols said. "Even though the outcome of this series has definitely left a bad taste in my mouth, I can handle it, because I was there in 2004 when we were able to see Red Sox beat us in the World Series. Man, what an incredible feeling that was… Just watching those guys celebrate, I really felt like I was seeing history unfold before my eyes. It was definitely my greatest baseball moment."

"I hope we have the chance to see something like that again next year," Pujols added.

Reporters and sportswriters around the nation were critical of many of La Russa's successful managerial decisions, second-guessing such effective moves as leaving staff ace Chris Carpenter in for more than five innings in Game 3, and failing to bench third-baseman Scott Rolen, who batted a team-high .421 in the series. La Russa, however, said that things would be different next year.

"I think I speak for my players, the front office, the coaching staff, and every fan in St. Louis when I say that all season long, we had just one goal: bringing a championship to the great city of Detroit," La Russa said. "And even though we failed this time around, we will be committed to achieving similar goals next season."

In the somber clubhouse following the victory, Cardinals centerfielder Jim Edmonds admitted that "the wrong team won," but said that the outcome of the 2006 World Series is "just something we're unfortunately going to have to live with."

"Nobody thought we could do this, nobody thought we could stop this powerhouse team that beat the odds to go from worst to first and rolled through the playoffs looking like they were invincible," Edmonds said. "And we thought we had taken every possible step to prove them right."

"We shocked the world," Edmonds added. "We're sorry."

:-D ;-D
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Postby bigken117 » Fri Nov 03, 2006 1:45 pm

Good stuff as always Sluggers ;-D
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Postby George_Foreman » Fri Nov 03, 2006 1:57 pm

Awsome. It always makes me happy when people try to predict a baseball series as a "lock" or something like that only to see them end up dead wrong.
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I havn't even read everything I've bought"

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Postby gfantasy » Fri Nov 03, 2006 2:18 pm

you gotta love the Onion!
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Postby AdvRider » Fri Nov 03, 2006 4:09 pm

Does anyone know the demolition plans for Comerica Park? Where will the Tigers play?

Detroit Sold For Scrap

The Onion
April 5, 2006 | Issue 42•14
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/46937

DETROIT—Detroit, a former industrial metropolis in southeastern Michigan with a population of just under 1 million, was sold at auction Tuesday to bulk scrap dealers and smelting foundries across the United States.

"This is what's best for Detroit," Mayor Kwame M. Kilpatrick said. "We must act now, while we can still get a little something for it."

Once dismantled and processed, Detroit is expected to yield nearly 14 million tons of steel, 2.85 million tons of aluminum, and approximately 837,000 tons of copper.

The decision to demolish and cull Detroit for scrap was approved last month by a 6-3 City Council vote after a cost-benefit analysis revealed that, as a functioning urban area, it held a negative cash value.

According to scrap dealers, Detroit is an aging city in fair-to-poor condition, with "substantial wear and tear." It also bears the marks of extensive fire and rust damage, and it may not comply with current U.S. safety and emissions standards.

"There's little interest in the Detroit collectibles market right now, because virtually none of it is in mint condition," independent actuary and appraiser Arnold Cortier said. "The library, for example, is almost a hundred years old. If they're lucky, they'll cull some lead or pig iron."

Even structures in reasonably good condition will be scrapped, including the landmark Guardian Building. A last-minute attempt to spare it fell through late Monday when historical preservationists failed to put together the funds to tow the skyscraper out of town.

Other cities, such as New York, Chicago, and Los Angeles, did not bid, explaining that they already had too many historic Art Deco buildings of their own.

Scrap processors and brokers called the auction a "win-win" situation.

"Detroiters can finally say goodbye to an eyesore that's blighted them for generations," said Al Ranneke, an Allegheny, PA scrap peddler who offered cash for hundreds of tons of the city's many metal parts. "No more getting nickel-and-dimed to death on little repairs, no more kids cutting themselves on jagged, rusted corners, and it all gets hauled off at no charge."

Scrap dealer Vernon Mills pledged he would not "miss out on a good deal" as he hauled away what's left of Detroit's East Side. Ranneke acquired several Detroit commercial districts and the steel-and-glass 1970s-era Renaissance Center for $4,000.

"I did them a favor," Ranneke said. "Believe me, Detroit's been around the block. I was willing to take it off their hands for six grand, but I caught a glimpse of that Ambassador Bridge and I said 'no way.' I am not Santa Claus."

Another company, Bayonne, NJ's A-1 Salvage, purchased the recently vacated Tiger Stadium for approximately $.17 a ton. A spokesman for the firm said that the People's Republic of China had expressed interest in purchasing the dismantled sports venue. China is the world's largest buyer of scrap metal, and could receive up to 80 percent of the city.

The city's pending shutdown will make thousands of items with no scrap value, and several train-cars full of law enforcement equipment such as handguns, battering rams, and police clubs and riot suits, available to other buyers.

Residents whose homes and businesses are scheduled to be razed will be offered jobs in demolition and debris clearance to compensate for lost income. It is expected that the approximately 7.6 percent of the population that is currently unemployed will be able to start immediately.

The official demolition of Detroit's remaining structures will begin April 17.
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Postby Amazinz » Fri Nov 03, 2006 4:56 pm

I hope you're kidding. :-D
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Postby acsguitar » Fri Nov 03, 2006 5:30 pm

Thats funny :-D ... i'm not happy that they chose to win this year instead of against the sox
I'm too lazy to make a sig at the moment
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Postby AdvRider » Fri Nov 03, 2006 5:56 pm

Amazinz wrote:I hope you're kidding. :-D


Funny little story. The Onion is carried at my local sports bar, and I’d picked up the April 5 2006 issue with “Detroit Sold for Scrap” article as the lead on the front page and flipped thru it over a frosty cold adult beverage with baseball on the satellite TVs.

The bartender is from Detroit (big Tigers fan & Detroit homer). I said, “Hey Ron, did you see this article in the paper?”

Somehow Ron had never seen The Onion before. He starting reading the article and a look of grave consternation and alarm came over him. “Holy %$#@!” he exclaimed. “What paper is this?” We had him going for a good 5 minutes before someone told him The Onion is satire.

Hohohohohoho !!! No free drinks for me that nite! :-D
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Postby Half Massed » Fri Nov 03, 2006 8:26 pm

Good ol' Onion. They put copies of it outside the movie theater I worked at, and i used to read it all the time. I love the horoscopes and American Voices.
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Postby gfantasy » Mon Nov 06, 2006 12:22 am

The Onion is ridiculous...
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